Thursday, May 5, 2011

Being a Parent

John walks into my office one day and he is visibly upset. John tells me that he is both concerned and upset with his son. He tells me that his son has been very lazy and his son, in the last few months, has gain a lot of weight. He tells me that every time he tells his son to do something it always ends up in a fight and he is just sick and tired of fighting with him. While John was tell me all of this I just kept my mouth shut because, well, it sounded like how I felt about John.

I remember seeing his son just a few days prior to John coming into my office and I remember telling myself that he was beginning to look like his father. I think John is beginning to realize that too subconsciously and just not aware of it consciously.

Sharon has been a smoker her whole life and after smoking for over forty years her doctor tells her that she has some spots on her lungs that need looking at. Now she is fifty four years old and for years she has been preaching to her kids not to start smoking. Well one day while going thru her daughter’s room she finds a pack of cigarettes and she gets very upset. Sharon tells me that she has told her daughter on so many occasions not to start because it is a bad habit with no really good benefits. Sharon’s daughter is fourteen years of age.

Mike has been a member of my gym for a few years now and his resume is extensive. Since he was six years old he has been into athletics and healthy eating and it shows. He is forty eight years old but looks like he could be early thirties. He tells me that everywhere he goes now he looks for alternative ways to keep himself in shape and always prepares for that next competition. One day while at church I see Mike with his kids. I knew that we were going to be a long while at the church and I was wondering what he would have his children doing while they were with him.

At first I see them just sitting in the pews reading but after about thirty minutes of that they began to well, act like kids and at first it was fine with me but then he did something that I thought was very cool. He gets up from his seat and goes over to them. I could see him telling them something and he is pointing at the stairs. As soon as he finishes I see his kids begin running the stadium stairs. Just not once but each isle seven times. Wow! I asked him why he had them do that and he said because they are getting ready to get into their track season and need the extra time to get in better condition and what better time to do it but now instead of get in trouble. Now when you consider that each isle is three stories high and there are eight isles and they are running each isle seven times, you do the math, it is over one hundred flights of stairs. For the rest of rehearsal his kids were no problem and they finished just as we finished our practice. Then I saw something even cooler, I saw Mike begin to run the stairs just like his kids did. That next week I brought my kids and you know what happened next.

After John was finished airing out his frustration I sat with him for a few minutes not saying anything and he looks at me and says, “Don’t you have anything to say? What should I do?” I looked at him and smiled. I asked him to follow me out to the all purpose room where all the mirrors were. We stood right in the middle of the floor and I said, “For a few months now everything that I have tried to get you to do to better yourself his fallen on deaf ears. You always seem to have an excuse on why you can’t do certain things or you find some sort of an alternative because in the end you think my way is too difficult for you to accomplish. For the last month I have not even seen you here. I am not shocked that your son is acting like he is.” Then I stopped and had him face the mirrors. “You see that person in the mirror? That is who your son WILL turn out to be. Mike it starts with you. You cannot tell your son to do something if you are not willing to do it yourself, period. Our kids are only and extension of ourselves. So as long as you are the way you are and as long as you want it YOUR way and as long as you continue in the life style you are in, well nothing will change but one thing, your frustration level. Mike it starts with you.”

He looks at me shocked at what I just said. “What do I have to do with my son and his attitude? I was never that way when I was his age.”

“I don’t doubt that Mike. But you are that way now and that is all he knows” I responded.

He walks out of the room and out of the gym. I have not seen him since. Mike is leading by example, unfortunately.

After listening to Sharon for a while I stop her and ask her a question, “Hey when did you start smoking?” her response was, “Well when I was fourteen and this is why I am so concerned. You see what is happening with me now.”

“Yes I do and I am not happy about it, however, have you confronted your daughter about this?”

Of course she said “no” but that she was going to talk to her tonight. I asked her to do something for me. “Instead of confronting her and causing a scene tell her about your personal issues and what is now happening to you and ask her to help you stop smoking. Don’t even bring up the fact that you found those cigarettes in her room. Ask her to help to keep you accountable because you cannot do it by yourself.”

Well, Sharon and I parted company and I thought that I would never see her again but something happened. Six months later I see Sharon in a Mall walking around with her daughter and she tells me that my method worked like a charm. Not just for Sharon but without her saying anything her daughter quit the habit. Sharon is leading by example.

When Mike was in high school he became an All American in track and field and well his oldest son is on his way to becoming that also. His oldest son is a freshman this year and he is running Varsity Track and he is one of the fastest kids not just on the track team but in the conference and state. Mike has lead by example and it is showing.

It really stinks to be a parent because, who we are our kids will someday be. How we act around others our children will emulate. We lead by example and not by our words. Our kids don’t know any other way to act but how they see us act. We need to fix ourselves first before we can fix them or lead them in the right way. If you are a drinker and they start, don’t get mad at them but if you don’t like it you stop and soon enough they will also.

I remember one day when I was driving my oldest son to soccer practice and he tells me that he can’t wait until he is twenty one because then he can start drinking. Now I was really surprised to hear that from him because I don’t drink. But after questioning his statement he tells me, “ Dad, mom drinks so why can’t I try it.” I told her about this conversation we had and since then she has not touched a drop of alcohol. A few months later, while in the car with him, he tells me that he has reconsidered and doesn’t think that it is wise for him to drink.

If you don’t want your kids to turn out like you are today. If you want your kids to be in much better shape than you are in right now. If you don’t want your kids to grow up obese, then it starts with you. Show them and get yourself into condition and they will follow your lead. Parents the future of our children are dependent on who we are today. If you don’t like it… then change it.

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